Understanding Differentiation

Excerpt from Essential Wholeness

by Eric Lyleson

Differentiation Enneagram of process and of personality types

The more we investigate the nature of our experience the more are able to differentiate fact from fiction. Unconditional acceptance of the world and ourselves helps us to see through the myths and wishful thinking that has obscured our perception of the true nature of things. Seeing how things are more clearly causes us to question our beliefs.

Holding on and Letting Go

The more clearly we see where our past assumptions have led us the more we are able to anticipate the problems and pitfalls if we continue to make choices based on those assumptions. This supports taking a more differentiated orientation of letting go of what does not truly serve us while remaining loyal to our essence and what is emerging in relationship to who and what is truly important in our lives.

To differentiate is to make distinctions about what is more useful from what is less useful. We distinguish and discriminate among the options available and determine our best course of action. Biology defines differentiation as the process by which cells or tissues undergo a change toward a more specialized form or function. A human embryo develops through cell division and by cell specialization. The more mature the evolving embryo the more differentiation between the structure and functions of the various cells and parts of the body. Within the brain (as well as other organs) further specialization takes place, so for example there are regions of the brain that specialize in vision, hearing and speech.

The diversity of specialized parts of mind and body function interdependently. Our physical health and growth as biological creatures is dependent on the ability for each part to get what’s needed to grow and perform their specific individual functions in relationship to other parts. Our psychological wellbeing is dependent on the various aspects of our psyche being able to preserve the integrity of their individual function in relation to the whole of us.

Individuality and Belonging

To become more differentiated as a person is to become more individually distinct, to honor our unique differences and to discover what are the unique contributions we can make to the larger systems within which we participate.

In The Sexual Crucible, marital therapist David Schnarch defines differentiation as:

the ability to maintain one’s sense of separate self in close proximity to a partner
nonreactivity to other people’s reactivity;
self-regulation of emotionality so that judgment can be used
the ability to tolerate pain for growth[i]

It is easy for us to be absorbed by the relationship systems to which we belong and simply become part of the machinery. When we don’t exercise our ability to make distinctions and act in our own best interests and in the best interests our relationships, evolution both individually and collectively is arrested. We perpetuate dysfunctional patterns by reacting indiscriminately to people’s self-defeating behaviors. When we can regulate our emotional reactivity we are more likely to exercise choices that support the evolution of our relationships and ourselves. Being able to anticipate the benefits of the accepting the short-term discomforts of destabilization, along with the effort needed to create something new, is the backbone of the differentiation process.

Fact and Fiction

The Church says that the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the Church. Ferdinand Magellan

Questioning beliefs defined by the status quo leads us to differentiate between fact and fiction. In doing so we risk resistance, ridicule and rejection from other members of our community (or internal community of various sub-personalities). Differentiation is the process by which we remain true to what we perceive to be true.

It is easier to collude with the collective denial of the status quo rather than acknowledging the shadow on the moon, or to shout out that the Emperor’s has no new clothes. At this phase we are naturally suspicious of people who would tell us what to believe, rather than encouraging us to find out for ourselves. To differentiate fact from fiction we don’t take things on faith, instead we put our hypotheses to the test –– actively seeking to reveal hidden facts and agendas.

Self-organization of a whole system requires differentiation of its parts. We must embrace the diversity of parts and accept the individual roles each part has to play. Our well being as a society is dependent on a diversity of individuals contributing each in their unique way. Cooperation does not mean everyone doing the same thing, the same way, at the same time. Cooperation is everyone contributing their individual skills and understandings in their unique way. Just as when we play in an orchestra we must be able to perform our part clearly, even when everyone around us is playing something different. Our internal psychology requires the same type of orchestrated differentiation. At this phase we continue to allow space for the newly emerging or neglected inner voices, especially when the voices of dominant themes threaten to drown them out.

As we give emergent and dissenting voices more space on the internal and external stages of our lives, it can sound like a cacophony. The competing voices of new and old paradigms can leave us feeling confused and uncertain of who and what to listen to, and what to do. Since most of us are uncomfortable with confusion we must be careful not to suppress the dissenting voices and attempt to return things to the previous status quo. Attempts to repress these voices, either psychologically or socially, will in the long run require force and lead to conflict and wasted energy. Resolution of conflict comes out of unconditional acceptance of the reality of the way things are and the direction life is evolving.

Union of Opposites

“The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.” writes Niels Bohr. Confusion is the initial response to paradox. Boundaries serve to differentiate one thing from another. At any stage of development we will define ourselves as the kind of person who is this, and not that. For example, we are shy and not outgoing. However as we approach this next level of differentiation we notice we feel shy, but consider reaching out more assertively at the same time. This throws our old way of organizing reality into confusion. However, as Carl Jung explained, creativity and growth come out of the union of opposites.

Eneneagram of process and of personality types

By embracing opposites we have a greater experience of wholeness. We recognize, for example, we can be both inward (shy, introspective) and outgoing at the same time by sharing our feelings of shyness with someone. By sharing our inner experience of shyness we break out of the bonds of that shyness. Being in touch with our inner world will enrich our relating with others, and being in relation with others will enrich our inner experience. We can be simultaneously still and active, knowledgeable and ignorant, strong and weak, etc. Differentiation involves being certain and uncertain at the same time. There are structures of thinking and doing that are essential for our evolving existence and at the same time there are structures that are limiting and even which can even lead to our own demise. So as Havelock Ellis said, “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” No other phase requires us to split our attention more, trying to see both sides of the coin at the same time as much as possible. We simultaneously pay attention to where we might be headed and where we have been. We vigilantly monitor where our significant others and ourselves are emotionally and physically. We split our attention between desired and undesired outcomes. Being able to anticipate the best and the worst-case scenarios generates motivation to make choices. We pay attention to maintaining certain points of stability while stepping into the chaos of unknown possibilities.